Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

🎵 I can’t wait to

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.