I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.