@abysmalkittybee

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

You Might Also Like

@lovstructionist

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

@literallysofie

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

@trims_the_fat

None of this is appropriate for anybody. Take the 18+ out of your bio.

@joe_binkley

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

@dankmccoy

Insane Clown Posse is really giving a bad name to all the rational clown posses out there.

@TheCatWhisprer

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

@lisaOoOo

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

@PhriendlyCody

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”