I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Previously On Persistence 😎
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO