I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
This forever.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.