I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
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Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
