I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
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HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.
“Come on in for a Gouda time!”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Seek kebab; not attention
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
