Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
motivation
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.