Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

Twitter fine art

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets