Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…

Shouldn’t he be working in web design?

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

I’m calling the cops.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO