I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.