I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
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But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.