I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
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Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I am yelling
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious