I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
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I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down