Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

I don’t think my car can fly

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?