I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
You Might Also Like
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I drew y’all a little something.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Emma is smarter than all of us.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I’d hang this in my house.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
A Monday every week is excessive
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?