I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy