Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.