I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
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I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?