I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
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Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Childbirth is so beautiful
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
RT if you could go either way.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform