Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this