Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.