I never needed anything more in my life
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HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Hmmmmmmm….
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
per my last wtf
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Best table by far
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
