I never needed anything more in my life
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?