villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
You Might Also Like
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
San Francisco has too many rules
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
an airline just for babies.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.