@liv_thatsme

I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.

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@Marlebean

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

@rockymomax

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

@mortimermaiden

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

@Sarcasticsapien

Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.

@mrjohndarby

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

@PoliUncorrect

I’m mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don’t tell me how hard your life is

@Parkerlawyer

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

@LaceyNycole

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

@roadkill3x

Don’t waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide….. no one ever brings them back.

@Sickayduh

[Titanic]
Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign.
Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat-

“What about Leo?”

Steward: No. Leo dies.