On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.
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CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I’m mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don’t tell me how hard your life is
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
Don’t waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide….. no one ever brings them back.
Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign.
Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat-
“What about Leo?”
Steward: No. Leo dies.