Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.