I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
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so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant