I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

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Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.


Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.


INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.


My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.


If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.


I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.


What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue


when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard


I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!