Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
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Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song “The Wheels on the Bus”
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]
Hipster: I’ll take 4
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
*puts message in a bottle
*stares longingly out at sea and throws it in
*gets tazed and arrested for littering
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.