I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

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Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess


Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.


when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures


My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song “The Wheels on the Bus”


Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”


Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4


The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.


*puts message in a bottle

*stares longingly out at sea and throws it in

*gets tazed and arrested for littering


Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.