@Tylerosis

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

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@noog

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

@whatmaddness

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

@TheAndrewNadeau

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

@TheBlessMess

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

@SamGrittner

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

@heidi420x

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

@emilygabaldon

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

@imteddybless

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

@karanbirtinna

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!