@Tylerosis

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

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@bobby

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

@SteveSuckington

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

@ShoutingGoddess

A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they’re blocked:

I’m totally gutted. Well done. You’re fierce! You got me GOOD.

@MUMSIEesq

3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?
ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.

@Xoolun

When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

@AnkCoupleTO

[estate planning]

Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone

@LaceyNycole

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

@Sarcasticsapien

Friend: *singing along* But I’m a creep. I’m a widow.

Me: Weirdo.

Friend: Sorry, I’ll stop.

Me: No, he says…yeah okay, thanks.

@SteveKoehler22

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”