I never play chicken with anyone unless I’m absolutely positive that I’m more crazy than they are.
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Might start laying my own eggs
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
oh she’s cooked
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
my sentiments exactly
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating