Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Money is the root of all wealth

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’