I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
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Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!