Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.