I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
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I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo