I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
