I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
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11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato