Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

These are my emotional support Pringles.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor