I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
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I am also baked goods
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.