I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
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Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces