I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
You Might Also Like
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.