I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
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my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.