I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
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If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The smoothest fall of all time
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter