I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
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That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016