Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

The 4 stages of a family vacation

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

ㅤ

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?