I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?