I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I’m not wrong
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??