I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
SF is the wild wild west man
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit