I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
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Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Why I divorced her.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]