I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
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Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO