I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
If only
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
The United Steaks of America
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back