I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’