Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

getting seasonal up in here

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.