I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
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[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot