I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole