I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
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your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Hmmmmmmm….
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I love twitter
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
*frowns in Scottish*
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.