Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

grandpa was shocked

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

sistine chapel

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words