Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

Best seat on the street 😍

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

🦝🔥🦝🔥

God has abandoned us.