I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
the internet really was better 18 years ago
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Great game to play with friends
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell