I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
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shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.