I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
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Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things