I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
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A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone