I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
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i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.