Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.