Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.