I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
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KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*