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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.