I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I never said I hated you.
I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.
You Might Also Like
Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty
Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’m a janitor at MIT and i see some extremely hard ass equation on the chalk board. i quickly erase it because im not being paid to do math
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car