My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
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Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
As the Lord intended