I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.