@Vodkantots

I never said that I hated you!

All I said is that I hope you have your period when the next Sharknado comes around.

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@Jake_Vig

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

@therealeatwood

GURU: You have achieved the state of sak?d?g?min: you will reach nirv??a within seven lifetimes

ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six

@caseytduncan

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

@Pro_Jones_

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

@fro_vo

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

@NicoAspeling

If you don’t like where you are in your life

~ Then move you are not a tree

@ch000ch

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

@GlazerBooHooHoo

To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.

@Go2Slp

How to sports:

– Take a ball
– Put it someplace someone else doesn’t want you to put it
– Congratulations you’ve now sportsed